PS: I love you

Tina..... "I love you".

Those words are an understatement to what I feel from within. My limited knowledge of the English vocabulary can only help me so much. I wish there was a better way to translate feelings ......

I am in touch with you yet I feel so distant and helpless. I want to hear your heartbeat...I want to see that sparkle in your eyes....I want to see that cheerful and bubbly smile....... I want to stay smitten by your forever.

Baby..... when I say those three words are an understatement..... I literally want to pull my hair out..... twist my ears.... knock my head on the wall to come up with something that can come close to describing how I ache for you.

I want to be able to reach out and touch you, feel you at my hearts desire. And the fact that I am not able to do that makes it impossible for me to have a smile on my face. I want to share my day with you..... I want to share my fears and my tears.... my smile and my toil.  I want to share ME ..... with YOU.

Are we meant to stay this way? Am I meant to be with someone else and yet be in love with you? Am I meant to watch in silence when you ache or glow.... not being able to share your sorrow or your joy because of this heartless and numb society that we live in?

The theme night.....and the stairs....

I want to meet you.

I was looking forward to our Dinner date. Wanted to take you to the same place where we went when we first met when I was a newcomer to your town.

I still remember the look in your eyes while we were sharing a smoke outside the joint on that cool summer evening. Something told me you wanted me around longer. Those eyes have swept me off into the ocean of desire since the day I have known you and the look that day has clung on to my heart till date.

If I could paint, trust me Tina....I would paint that image right now.

Those eyes made me feel so special that day. The attention they gave filled me, fueled me and eventually fragmented my thoughts. I wanted to grab you and hide you away from this world.

You don't say much, or maybe I say so much that whatever you say seems less. But then maybe I feel so because I am so greedy for everything that has to do with you.

What have you done to me? I wish I had known that I would be such a wreck because some damsel, not in distress,  would step into my life almost 14 summers ago.

The world has moved on. We have gone from transistor size mobile phones worth a fortune to mini hand held computing devices still worth the same fortune in these 14 years. I have moved on from that set up, everything but you is a faint memory from that time.

At times I feel like I am taking a flight of stairs and you are standing at the top. These are meant to be the 108 steps that we used to take everyday to get to class. But no, when I take these steps to get to you...they seem countless. I am just climbing and climbing and there seems to be no end.

Why is it that way?

And then you say you wanna let go........ 

Taunting Darkness

There is this darkness which takes over my mind..... it becomes an expanse like that of a rural landscape at night. With nothing but darkness all around, the only glimmer is from logs of wood lit at a distance. The light from the flames is good enough to light up the area close to it and act as a guiding glow which gives me direction.

As I come close, I see someone sitting close to the burning logs. I strain my eyes, the impatience in me wanting to know the person who sits there even though I am still quite a distance away. My heart starts to pound. I can feel the blood throbbing, wanting to burst out of my veins, for it can no longer keep up with my anxious heart.

I start walking faster, dry leaves crushing under my feet. I start to smile to myself as I can only think of being with one person. As I come close, I see that its a girl, her long hair fluttering and the fragrance of her body wafting through the gentle breeze all the way to me. The scent fills me up and gives me goosebumps. My walk turns into a jog..... I can no longer contain my anxiety and they are released in the form of tears that roll down my cheeks.

After all, I have been craving for my girl for what seems likes eons.

Now I start to run, and for some reason, a word comes to my lips. My voice cracks and I yell......"Tina, is that you?". I get no reply, only a slight turn of the head away from me. Her mane flutters faster and the flames dim out in the breeze. I hold my breath momentarily as the thought of the flames going out and me losing sight of my guiding light drains the color right out of my face. For some reason, she seems going farther away from me, no matter how much I run towards the light.

I start to stumble and my knees start going weak with anxiety. I can only see Tina's face flashing in front of me, alternating between the glow from the fired up logs. It simply reminded me of the first time I had smoked up, the water cooler at the end of the corridor of my hostel seemed miles away and seemed like it had feet and was walking further away taunting me.

Only this time, I was not stoned. Yet, Tina seemed to be taunting me. The flashes showed her smiling at me.

I was not able to figure out if she loved me or she loved seeing me crave????

I finally break into a sprint, gather every bit of my strength and catch up with the taunting flames, the taunting girl and the taunting glow. I fall on my knees, try and catch my breath looking at the girl all the time. Her mane is fluttering right over her face.

I can't see her, but I can smell only her. The burning wood, the sweat on my body...everything seems odorless.

I finally gather the strength and pull towards the girl with the flowing mane. I reach out and hold her with one hand and use my other hand to move her hair to the side to reveal what I have been wanting to see everyday when I wake up. As I move her hair, her beautiful eyes are revealed and just like a bolt of electricity, It jolts me right down to the soul of my soul. But before I can see anymore, there is this sudden burst of wind and the flames go out and with that Tina vanishes from my grip.

I sit there startled, alone, craving, yearning, sobbing, yelling. Her scent lingers on and the feel of her mane and the sight of her eyes console me and gives me the strength to continue looking for that flickering glow in the vast expanse of darkness that surrounds me.

I know Tina is there.

I know I will find her.

I know I will embrace her.

I know..... I know.... I know

Amor cuerdo, no es amor

Cuban poet Jose` Marti wrote..... prudent love, isn't love.

Its so easy to say, Move on.

People who are immensely passionate about something cannot move on. Because its a passion, It can't be forgotten and buried. You can move on from a broken watch, a bad job or a bitchy girl friend; but not from a Passion.

Passion.... taken from an Ancient Greek word literally means to "suffer".

Well.... I would say the word was rightly attributed to people, among others, who are deeply engrossed in another persons thought that they have absolutely no track of the time gone by and the time going by.

I sometimes wondered??? How can a girl be my passion???? And then I thought, you don't have to have answers to everything in this world. In fact, you WILL NOT have answers to everything in the world. And that this question fell in that category.

We all live our lives, daily mundaneness taking over every bit of our existence. Yet we suffer from within. It may not seem so on the face. After all a person's got to do what he's got to do to earn his bread.

I too share a joke, crack profanities, try to be a good son, listen to trance and slog my rear off at work. But from within, I feel no love for the outside world although I love this gift called life. I love the feeling when my emotions surge at the thought of Tina. Its like all the electrical impulses in my brain come together at the same time. The thought of her makes me feel heady.

People say there is no love, I too stopped believing that there was love until Tina came back on the fringes of my life.

When did she move from the fringes and took center stage???? I do not know.

Now she wants to let go.

It just seemed too simple to say those words to me............. just too simple.

I feel like............. ah ....forget it.

Feel me feel you.....

I want you Tina.....
I wanna hear every word that comes out of you....
I wanna feel every breath you breath.....
I wanna go to sleep smelling you....
I wanna wake up yearning for you....
I wanna spend every idle minute thinking about you....

Your silence pierces my heart....
Your beautiful eyes pierce my soul.....
Your touch sets me ablaze....
Your lips leave me in a state of daze.....
Your skin glows just the way I'd like my day to glow with you around....
But its your mind that takes the cake.....

I WANT YOU SO BAD.....
To fill me up....
To fill the vacant space in my heart....
A space left vacant only for you.....

Oh Tina..... Feel me feel you

My Words....Others Words...My Outlet....

I have been away for a bit..... I know Tina loved these blogs...they made her feel like a Princess. I know that because she told me so........... I know that because a friend of mine not known to her was extremely jealous of her when she got to know of this blog.

Jealous in a happy way..... Jealous that Tina was lucky to have someone so crazy.....so raving mad.....so enchanted.......so enamored......so purely in Love with her.

I'd like to take pride in my love.... pride in the fact that when i see Tina...I simply go blind all around. Its like a tunnel vision...... or like a horse with blinders.

I hadn't had a conversation with Tina for a while.... things had gone quite for a bit..... for whatever reasons!..... but today I just could not stay quite.... the Chatterbox that I am..... I just couldn't.

I had posted an update on my social profile......

"There is a bit of me
 That will always be, with you,
 And something tells me
 This is love due"

needless to say...she was on my mind.....

She knew it!!!

YOU.....

YOU said I write well.... I felt I write imaginatively.... but then I realized...

Its YOU who Inspires me to "write".......
Its YOU who makes me "explore the depths of my mind and heart"......
Its YOU who makes me "love"....
Its YOU who makes me "burn".....
Its YOU who makes my "heart churn".....
Its YOU who makes me "spurn".......

And now that we haven't spoken for days..........!!!!!

.....?

Its been a few days now, not spoken to Tina. Feel a sense of void within me, not between us. My mind always throws up a question, Why is all this happening? What is the purpose?

As they say, things happen for a reason, what could possibly be the reason?

Tina.....Oh Tina

14-02-2012

Its been 6 years since I last wished someone from the bottom of my heart, I have had friends wish me on this day since 2006 but I have never been able to wish them back, or in rare cases when I did (I don't quite remember though), it was for being polite as they must have been really important friends.

But today was different, I was nervous.

I was at work, busy as hell and yet this thought popped up in my head. My mind kept hopping to Tina. I havent left any stone unturned in expressing how I feel about her, at least in words, yet I wanted her to know that she has been on my mind all day today. I wish I could have done more than just think about her, so what if we are miles apart. I actually wanted to send her a bouquet. But then I realized, what if I get her into trouble. My heart kept saying, do it, order online and have it delivered, but my mind kept stopping me.

For once, I listened to my mind and not my heart. Sorry Tina.... I really wish I could give you Roses and Baby Breaths today :(

But I was in for a pleasant surprise, Tina wished me :) :) :).

I don't know how much of a big deal was it to her, but it was a big deal for me. In a split second, the nervousness disappeared, and it was replaced with a smile on my face.

She beat me to it....and I loved being beaten today

As Quintilian once said "While we ponder when to begin, it becomes too late to do".... how I loved being late today :)

I told Tina the other day "If sitting idle makes me think of you, I'd rather sit idle all the time". I'd like to think I made her blush with that remark.

And then I told her what was going through my head, I said

"You know....I can't help but get this thought out of my head. So have to say it.


Its just a hearts desire...to take you out, not to a mall, not to a pub, not to a movie, not to bed...... but to someplace where I can be just with you. Talk to you, know you more than what I knew you 10 years ago.


Know the Tina more than ever before and ever again"

I miss you.......

Fairy tale.... Hell no!!!!

So I was yapping away with Tina....SMS's of course. Asked her what she was up to and she said she was enjoying Maggi. Ah...the good ole Maggi...we will grow old but Maggi would still be around :)

I gave her a couple of other Maggi recipes that I tried myself, and something in me yearned to cook it for her and feed her. That urge was extremely strong... but then somethings are out of your control.

Funnily....she also almost simultaneously mentioned the same thing (minus the feeding part). I think the lazy Tina in her din't wanna cook :P

She called it Telepathy, a term coined in 1882 by Fredric Myers.

I disagreed... I think Telepathy does not exist.

She said it does.

I agreed :) (only coz she said it)

But then she also referred to our little connection as a "Fairy tale". Initially I agreed, latching on to her general meaning of a happy state of mind. But then I dug deep, after all anything to do with Tina is a serious thing for me.

So I arrived at a conclusion that our little connection is not a Fairy tale. After all, if our connection was indeed a Fairy tale, Tina would have been mine eons ago.

Maybe she is mine..... the mind can say what ever it wants... the heart knows the truth.

The day that was.....

Tina,

Woke up early morning... first thing I did was look at my phone for a message from a special someone...... Din't find it.

Ah well... no issues. Everyday can't be a party na?????

Got cracking with the books... 14 days of hard "hardly" work was gonna bear its fruit today. It was time to do justice scores of 90%,89%,86%,95%,89%,85%,85% and 93% in my mock tests and make the last one count.

Read up for an hour before I really couldn't take it no more. Told you..... Theory and me never got along. You would remember your efforts to drill some knowledge in my head at a particular restaurant. Unknown to you...all I used to do was admire you and your flowing mane ;o)

Well.... huffed and puffed... did some last minute reading and hoped that I would be able to retain some stuff that I glanced.

Got to the Exam center 90 mins before the scheduled start... you can't cut it too close with the traffic in this part of the world. And then, stayed in the car and did a little more reading.

I think, on any exam day...it does not matter how well or how bad one has prepared.... almost every topic that you look up, it seems that you know nothing about it :).

Well...I felt something similar....so guess what I did to calm my nerves.... guess guess guess!!!! :)

Testing my concentration.....

I was giving a test today, and in between questions, thoughts about you were playing hide and seek.

God save me when I sit for the Final test tomorrow :P

(PS. I did well in these tests despite the insurmountable obstacle called Tina)

What I do when I drive back from work....

It usually takes me close to 90 mins to get home from work.

These days, the training center visits are taxing. Wake up before the lazy roosters at 6.30, be out on the road by 7.45 and be at the center by 8.45 for a 9 AM start. The morning drive is pleasant and quick and usually very upbeat.

Its the evening drive home which is maddening. More often than not I hit peak evening traffic when I start for home around 6 PM.

But there is one thing that helps me get through this daily chaos, its you Tina. I am not exaggerating, but I think about you every idle minute (Yes, when I drive, I consider myself sitting idle). It is not something I do intentionally, It is something that has become a default setting for me. And the FM radio belting out the latest tunes, the happy ones, the romantic ones and the ones for the broken heart, they all make me think only about you.

Its as if I am the one doing all the singing. Sometimes I try & hold back my tears and sometimes I just can't wipe that grin off my face. But its all you.

What are you doing to me?????? :)

You are nowhere near me, yet you are all over me.

I love this feeling.

Love it when you call.....

You called today....... just hearing your voice made me forget the stresses of the day. Involving you in my day to day life is so exciting, so what if you are sitting so far away.

Up until that point, it was an extremely tiring day. Theory classes, be it at school, college or work, tend to be extremely boring and they test your patience.

And it had to be a special day, it rained just before you called. So it had already set the mood for me. :)

Up for Chai and Pakoda's sometime???? ;)

I feel love.....

I feel happy.... Like a teenager who has just been given so much attention from a girl whom he has had a crush on, and whom he always desired for but could never sum up the courage to go and talk to.

What is love???

I asked Tina...."Tina...define love?"

After a brief lull...a message flashes on my phone "Love is the only dependable thing, never changing"

I couldn't agree more..because after reading that message...I related it to my feelings towards Tina.

I have been in relationships before...and I have done complete justice to them in terms of staying completely committed to them and my partners lives. But all through, I always had this question "What's up with Tina ?".

But this question was never a cause for alarm, for I was happy with my partner. But as one after another, my relationships failed, this question began creeping in.... "What did I do to deserve this?"

Today I am able to answer that question partially.... my love was always for Tina.....and that never changed. It was just hidden.

Hidden it was under layers of sweat and blood, under layers of booze and binges, under the thought that what happened was maybe "Puppy Love", under the thought that my partner was going to be with me for life, under the thought that life was cool and that nothing would change.

Alas...every thing changed..the only thing that din't change was "My love for Tina"

I love you Tina......

Is there a stronger word that I can use to describe my feeling?? If there is please tell me. Because what I feel for Tina is not love...its more than love. It is a soulful feeling which is draining my emotional energy right out of my body.

My mind is in a turmoil.... am I destined to love someone who doesn't belong to me?

Ah...Tibet here I come.... I need tranquility.....I need peace.....I need to stay disconnected from this soulless world.

Meet you....

I spoke to Tina today...... rather....it was an SMS again.

Told her I wanted to meet up, that I have been planning to meet her for so long. An hour doesn't pass by when I don't think about her and a day doesn't pass without wondering what I would tell her when I meet her.

Talking to her has always been very natural, but somehow this meeting, whenever it happens, feels different.

I am nervous, its like first love.....

Coming to think of it...... She is my first love........

Oh dear... I might just go speechless :o)

Tina......

I look at my 103 year old granny ... and I wonder.... How long will I live?

How long will I be able remind myself the day I was bowled over by you?

Oh....Tina...Tina...Tina.......wish you were here.

Uneasiness....

I told Tina one day..... "Tina...I am feeling weird.....???"

She was nonchalant. We had been in touch for a while and things were going on smoothly in our respective lives. So smooth that we just din't have time to even say "hello"

I told her again...."Tina.....I am feeling weird yaar????"

She asked me, "Why..what happened?? Stop irritating me."

And I said...

"Mere dil mein ek bechaini hai,

Ki kab tumse mulaqat hogi?

Mere dil mein yeh bechaini hai,

Ki jab mulaqat hogi to kya baat hogi?

Is Saagar mein, main tarsa hun boond boond ke liye,

us nadi ki pani ki pyaas, jo kabhi na kabhi mere paas hogi"

She was left speechless.....

My declaration......

One day I messaged Tina..... I told her to quickly get home as I wanted her to see something on the internet..... she said she would be home soon.

Finally.... I get a beep.... Tina was ready.... waiting for further instructions.

I sent her an SMS with a blog address.... The blog address that was not just a blog address...it was a secret declaration of my love for her. For I could never let it come in the way of her life....

She read it.... she bit her lip... she was left "completely speechless"

She messaged back....."I wish I could express too"

And I replied " :) "

That smiley was a lousy cover to what I really wanted her to do.

Something she will never know.

Why????

I asked her....Tina...why din't you look back???

She replied.... I never knew your feelings. You never uttered a word.... moving ahead was a natural thing.....

And I said...with a wry smile...

" And I was in love with you.... it was the most natural thing I have ever done"

She was left speechless....

I love you.....

Tina was just discussing her day with me..... she is a busy woman... a lot of work on her head....

She seemed a bit haggard....

a bit down......

I told her not to frown.....

I told her I love her anyways.... she smiled dismissively.....

I told her....

"I loved you when I had lot more hair.....

I loved you when I had lot less wrinkles.....

Although my face has aged....

the glint in my eyes...

the lump in my voice...

the bump in my poise.....

still shows that you make me go weak in my knees"

She was left speechless......

Whats up???

The other day Tina messaged me...."Whats up dude???"

I was in no mood to be a dude....I was bent and broken. I needed someone..I needed Tina.

I just shot back without thinking.....My SMS read

"I am Craving to meet you...I am craving to care for you..."

And then it struck me....She doesn't belong to me...but for some reason all this still seemed so right to me...it was as if She belonged only to me.

Matchsticks.....

I was talking to Tina one day..... she usually goes to bed early as she has a hectic life.

I used to keep her up and the poor thing tried her best to stay awake to talk to me. The other day, a little miffed at her lack of attention....I told her.... "If I get a chance I will stick 2 match sticks between your eye lids to stop them from closing."

She giggled...and I melted. To hear that giggle, I would walk a thousand miles???? nah..thats a bit too much...but I would walk some distance nonetheless.

Last night I let her be......I messaged her

"Good night....Sleep tight...

No Matchsticks for you tonight....."

:)

I am a child.....

I told Tina......

I am 30 years old...but I am still a child.

My heart is as clean as that of a child....

My love is unconditional...

The attention I seek is unimaginable....

If I don't get it....

I don't cry...

I just sulk in my heart

She was left speechless....

Heart has valves for blood..but no valves for pain

10th Dec 2011.....

One day I was talking to someone I have known for a bit..... and the conversation wandered from the usual pleasantries, to her life and then to my life. One thing led to another and before I knew it, I was confiding into her.

It was not that it felt odd.... in fact, it felt as if someone up there or somewhere had finally decided to press the pressure release valve in my heart. And what followed was something I may never be able to describe.

I just exclaimed..... Tina...Tina...Tina!!!!

She was perplexed, she asked me why did I do that?? And I said.....

It is just an expression... An expression of my passion, frustration, heartbreak, silence, elation and enthusiasm

It is the Passion for you, the Frustration of not being able to make you mine, the Heartbreak for seeing you go away to someone else, the Silence that I maintained for so many years, the Elation when you cared to call recently and the Enthusiasm that I have felt since.

She was left speechless..........