An e-mail from the past....

Dated 8th May 2013

Tina.....

I feel that there is nothing that I haven't told you and yet feel that there is so much that I need to tell you!!!

For starters....... I cannot begin to explain the emotions in response to your e-mail. I read your mail and felt elated. Elated that I was able to get you to talk because I yearn to peek into your heart. I wish my Birthday was everyday so that I could get such e-mails from you everyday.

You have put me on a different pedestal by comparing our relationship to the one you share with your god. I don't know if I am truly worthy of it but I am touched indeed. But at the same time, I did feel a tinge of disappointment because I wanted a worldly relationship as well.

PROLOGUE

I remember telling you this before, I wanted the world to know about us. And the very fact that I can't is probably the biggest source of my disappointment. The very fact that I cannot scream and shout my love for you makes me unhappy. I have said this before..... I have this one birth...I know you as you in this birth...and I want you for who you are in this birth. I have spent way too much time not being a go getter….I have just lumbered through my 32 years for lack of an aim or a passion. And rightly so….. my passion was always you … its just that I realised it a tad too late. I still cannot understand how can a woman be my passion?? but I have come accept that part of me. The part that “YOU ARE MY PASSION”. Your happiness “MY AIM”.

But then that puts me in a very precarious position, practically (as you love it) you and I cannot be together (so far…..). That leaves me aimless all over again. Because…. your happiness is someone else’s responsibility.

Funny as it sounds….. my passion is someone else’s responsibility. Ha …Go figure that out.

I don’t want this write up to be a depressing rant but I am just trying to come across and make you understand where I am coming from because I really do not know where I am going.

PURITY

My feelings for you have been unlike any I have felt so far. And the best part is that these feelings come with no baggage. And maybe that’s exactly what made me realise that I cannot have you out of my life. Because if you being married and being a mother of a grown up child does not deter me from dreaming about our union…then there is certainly a deeper connection between us (I feel).

There is this certain purity that I feel towards you. And honestly, never felt this before. A sort of purity that maybe I feel towards my mother or father (no wife or kid to compare it with) and yet it goes way beyond what I feel for my folks. A sort of purity that commands a level of commitment knowing that you are loving the right person. That this person shares the same ethical and moral foundation that you have and that at a very fundamental level, that’s where the connection starts.

And in fact, I believe this feeling of purity extends way beyond. There is no doubt that the roots are our humble and grounded upbringings, but after that there is our mind and our thoughts. Our relationship in college……. that established our comfort level and made me realise that you were the one I always dreamt of. I do not remember our conversations but I do remember the level of comfort and the lack of inhibition that we shared while conversing with each other.

That planted a dream in my head. A dream to make you mine, but I never had the guts or the confidence to make that a reality. This feeling of purity is based on the foundation that I mentioned above and will remain for as long as the foundation remains intact. Yet….it extends way beyond anything I am able to articulate. That’s probably why I keep writing the word Purity so many times without being able to elaborate on it.

In simple words, everything about you is acceptable to me. Everything……………………….. your dreams, fears, success, failures, problems, solutions.

I want your mind, body and soul. (Right from the M of the Mind to the L of the Soul and everything in between)

Although I have come as close as I can…to explain Purity….I still feel I am falling short of words Tina……..

GOD

You have put me in a different league, a league in which I am the only player  as I don’t feel threatened by your GOD. That makes me feel thrilled and I only wish that I was the ONLY PLAYER in your life.

Tina….I am accepting your emotions with an open heart and a smile on my face…. But as I mentioned above, I wanted a worldly relationship too. Wherein, I could put to practice all that I feel for you. I admire you for your resolve in accepting and not asking any questions, but baby I am not built that way. I am constantly nagged by the AIM/PASSION question in my life because it makes me feel that I have no purpose. And that my purpose is elsewhere with someone else. Then what am I here for?

I guess I am purely greedy about the physical aspect of our relationship. The Body part of the Mind, Body and Soul as that makes me feel incomplete. That you are not next to me, that I cannot hold your hand when I want to, that I cannot look into your eyes and show you how much I care about you whenever I want to, that I cannot sit and discuss books with you, that we cannot go and watch a movie with you and your caramel pop-corns, that I cannot make tea for you the way you love it, that I cannot tend to you when you are unwell and that we both cannot enjoy a cup of tea at a tapari or chicken momos at a joint. It’s the lack of these small physical things that make me unhappy and angry and upset.

I am happy that our arguments and fights have ended with a level of maturity and acceptance that whatever it is, it is Tina….the one I love and I accept her in every which way. Her anger, her silence …although frustrating…is equally endearing.

Tina…I cannot stop loving you……. I have not been programmed that way by your GOD. He made me for you and then he got so busy making you that he forgot about me totally 

There is still so much in my head….so much I want to write but I am just unable to articulate.

Love you..........

PS:
I am still waiting for you to reply to this e-mail...... its not good to make someone "Madly in Love" wait for so long. You may not realize it............but its a torture.

Maya Angelou...... RIP

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences , penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope - Maya Angelou (1928 - 2014)

Feelings.....!!!!

Tina......

I was just wondering...... if the feeling between us is mutual. Maybe I speak out and you don't...... well I know you don't because you do not want to build a castle in thin air. I really do not blame you for that though. But having said that, I choose to go with the flow. Remember.......!!! ONE LIFE.

So why do I pick this topic of "Feelings"....... ?

I ask myself..... what is it about Tina that drives me to relegate everything else to the back room and trash all possible theories of why the relationship is not bound to work? You know, for all practical purposes....and to ensure sensitivity towards the ones already attached to our lives...... it would be "Practical" to stay away from each other. That is probably the only reason why the theories of us not being able to be one would apply. But then the impact of this theory is enormous, the impact on the sensitivity of those attached is enormous and I will be the first one to reluctantly accept it.

Having said that, either it is my thick skull or the absolute state of love paralysis when I think about you, that it makes me want to take on any situation that is thrown at me if the end result is going to be having you and your little one permanently in my life. How things would pan out if you were to be mine is something that I am unable picture....... but one feeling is certain..... that there would be no scope of disappointment baby. I will have this willingness to try and work out every problem to ensure our happiness.

You maybe wondering why am I talking about all this..... since this is not the first time we are talking about it. But then you know me, when it comes to you....... nothing stays in. I loved a line a friend of mine recently spoke..... when she got to know about you and I being together and when she spoke about the futility of this effort that I was making and the thread of hope that I was clinging onto.... she said..... "Only Tina could have made you risk breaking your heart once again." and that she saw a man "Who sleeps, eats and breathes Tina"

Is that a bad thing? Am i losing my mind?

Thinking about you revitalizes me, hearing your voice rejuvenates me and your expression of love sends me to the moon and back.

You know..... finding a life partner is not a tough thing..... you found yours and i will find mine if i go looking for one...... but finding a mate for life....the one that would complete you at all levels, emotional...physical.... spiritual...at worldly and not so worldly levels..... that is what I am chasing Tina..... because in you...I see that fulfillment.

Do i make any sense???? I don't know....but its all clear in mind though.

I am in love with you.

Muah!!!!

My passion for you stays......

Morning my love. You will always be my love....no matter what happens today or tomorrow or whenever. You will remain the one person outside my family who is my family to me. Ofcourse there will be a couple of other friends who are like my family.... but none of them I would consider my soulmate.

No matter what thoughts grate and grind my mind, at the end of it I can only love you and do nothing else. I am helpless there. For example when you said thank you for the seat, it grated my senses, cause I do it for you as I would do it as if you were my wife or for my mom or my brother. I want you to take me for granted and even be a bit demanding in that sense. Generally...... take me the way you want to take me without any barriers between us. Thats the purity of my feelings.

I want you to know that I understand your heart baby. Atleast most of it. I know what is in there and what are your little dreams and desires. While I want to be a part of every breath you take, I know that is not going to happen.

When you say that "I want to go the other way" or " I feel guilty " or " I feel like i am cheating"......I know that I am no longer able to give you pure happiness in our relationship. If you remember, the only reason I got into this relationship was because i wanted to give you happiness.... make you smile...make you realise how special you are ..... and that I was getting a chance of making you mine...however miniscule it was. It was as much a selfish agenda as it was a selfless one.

But now when i feel that you have trouble looking at yourself in the eye when you wake up in the morning..... and that the thoughts of me bring about a pang of negative emotions..... I know that is not how I want to be thought about. I want to be thought for my passion...and my love....and my insanity for you and nothing else.

I am not drawing a conclusion out of this yet..... maybe I dont have the strength for it right now. I am just putting my heart right out on the table.

I write this as I wish you the best from the deepest corner of my heart with your new job and the new chapter in your life. May you achieve great heights in your profession and may you get whatever it is you desire. Even if i do not appear in that bucket list of yours.

I am super excited for your first day at work.....as if it is my first day. I am a bit nervous too.

I love you Tina....always did....always will.

My passion for you stays.

Silence makes the heart grow fonder.....

After a very very long time, there was silence between Tina and I.

She has been burdened with responsibilities at work as she prepares to bid a sweet goodbye to her current employer. Furthermore, the role of a wife spending time with her husband, the role of a mother packing up her sons belongings as she prepares to begin a brief but an exciting chapter in her life with her son in tow and the role of the lady of the house ensuring that all is in order in her absence, she has been absorbed to ensure that she does not leave any stone unturned to take care of every domestic issue before she leaves town.

Tina, I miss you..... and adore you and admire the woman that you are. The silence between us is a very uncomfortable space for me to be in, even if it is because of issues not relating to the matters of the heart. But it makes us realize what we have and what we take for granted.

I want to smell you, the distance between us is too much, the craving for you has grown.

You know... my cousin recently asked me during a normal conversation how you were doing? The very fact that your name was mentioned in a very casual yet concerned manner lit me up. As if you were a public part of my life and as if "You were mine". I just wish I could snap my fingers and pop up right next to you where ever you are, give you a big fat kiss, grab you by the arm and just whisk you away from everybody for a bit so that I can have all your attention and all of you for myself.

I am possessive about you..... and I am possessed by you.

I LOVE YOU.......................

Another open eye dream..... our Holiday

Its a beautiful lazy morning, I have just opened my eyes to chirping birds and rustling branches of a tree right outside the open window of our hotel room. Its breezy and warm outside. The swishing leaves on the tree give me a reason not to get off the bed but I have a bigger reason to be up and about, I am with Tina and I want to "live" every moment with her.

I turn around to find Tina still in her slumber, although she usually is an early riser, I guess the holiday mood has taken hold of her and she is rightfully giving herself the rest she deserves. Her face is so serene and she seems so much at peace, so much so that I just want to watch her sleep to her hearts content. I decide to make her some tea, just the way she likes it, black with milk separate.

I jump out of the bed and rush to the kitchenette, I fill the kettle with some water and keep it on the stove as I watch Tina shift. Damn...she is so graceful even while she is asleep. I walk up to her and give her a light peck on her lips. She shifts again and turns her bare back towards me.

I watch her and what I see makes me wish that I was a really good painter. I see Tina lying down with her flowing mane. Her back exposed till her hips and the quilt covering up the rest as though she did that on purpose to tease me. Its warm and fuzzy, so I am not too concerned about her feeling cold. I am just taking in the sight of watching my beautiful mate sleep so blissfully. It was such a picture perfect moment with lots of natural light filling up the room.

Actually, I always enjoyed watching her go to sleep. She would carefully sort her long hair out and lay it down ever so gently on her pillow before resting her head. She hated the fact that sometimes her hair got pulled under her own body. I always loved the way she took care of herself. Honestly, there is so much to learn from your partner if you really want to make a relationship work.

My chain of thoughts is broken by the sound of church bells going off after the morning mass at a nearby church. I get back to making tea and prepare a nice strong concoction and add a dash of ginger to it. I carefully filter the concoction into a cup and take some milk along. I put the cups on a tray and go over to Tina. I sit beside her and gently kiss her back, she purrs and opens her eyes and smiles. That is the smile I want to see everyday when I wake up. And I want to wake up next to her everyday.

She gets off the bed, wraps the quilt around herself and walks over to the window and stretches. I walk with her, put the tray on the window sill and make her some tea. Black with very little milk and a teaspoon and a half of sugar.

The remainder of our life has just begun........ I love you baby. Have a great day

Muah.....................

Time lag and my open eye dream............

Tina................... I am back.............only because you asked.

It warms me to know that you wanted this, although you never really asked me why I stopped writing. I guess, at the end of the day........it was all about that little bit of attention......... that little bit of curiosity......... that little urge to know how much more attention I could shower on you.

I was never too far away from this blog......... it has been instrumental in me laying bare my heart. It helped me deal with a lot of issues I would have otherwise struggled to deal with. But most importantly, this blog helped me reach out deep into you.

We have been dealing with matters of the heart and mind all along but lately your heart has been shining through to me and that brings me a lot of peace. There has been a massive shift in the way you have started to express yourself to me, in a way you never did earlier. Maybe you loved me earlier too, but always held yourself back because I was this brooding, intensely in love, passionately "everything Tina" guy and you had your own issues to handle.

It would be fair to say that a newer Tina has been emerging with every conversation. The walls have been torn down and you are baring yourself to me like never before and I want more of it, I want it absolutely raw, uncut, uncensored. I just want to see more of the person I am so deeply in love with that ageing alone does not seem daunting as I have your thoughts for company although I know your opinion on this topic.

By the way baby, Happy 2nd Anniversary of our connection. I know I am late by about 3 months but I think it makes more sense now than it would have had I said it back on 14th Nov 2013. In fact , the connection has been on since 1st Jan 2002 when we first acknowledged our feelings for each other but then everything got lost in time.

I told you this evening that I saw a dream today with my eyes open.......

I saw that I am standing in an open kitchen leaning against the counter wearing a white shirt, blue jeans with a lot of light shining through the window. And what am I doing......? Well... I am watching a 12 year old Tina who has just returned from school and is elaborately describing her day to her mother in as animated a fashion as possible. And then I close my eyes and I see that the same Tina is now grown up to the Tina I know now and is still describing her work day with as much zest, but this time her mother and I are part of her dining table discussion.

Oh baby..... I want to be there with you..... I miss you!!!!