Another open eye dream..... our Holiday

Its a beautiful lazy morning, I have just opened my eyes to chirping birds and rustling branches of a tree right outside the open window of our hotel room. Its breezy and warm outside. The swishing leaves on the tree give me a reason not to get off the bed but I have a bigger reason to be up and about, I am with Tina and I want to "live" every moment with her.

I turn around to find Tina still in her slumber, although she usually is an early riser, I guess the holiday mood has taken hold of her and she is rightfully giving herself the rest she deserves. Her face is so serene and she seems so much at peace, so much so that I just want to watch her sleep to her hearts content. I decide to make her some tea, just the way she likes it, black with milk separate.

I jump out of the bed and rush to the kitchenette, I fill the kettle with some water and keep it on the stove as I watch Tina shift. Damn...she is so graceful even while she is asleep. I walk up to her and give her a light peck on her lips. She shifts again and turns her bare back towards me.

I watch her and what I see makes me wish that I was a really good painter. I see Tina lying down with her flowing mane. Her back exposed till her hips and the quilt covering up the rest as though she did that on purpose to tease me. Its warm and fuzzy, so I am not too concerned about her feeling cold. I am just taking in the sight of watching my beautiful mate sleep so blissfully. It was such a picture perfect moment with lots of natural light filling up the room.

Actually, I always enjoyed watching her go to sleep. She would carefully sort her long hair out and lay it down ever so gently on her pillow before resting her head. She hated the fact that sometimes her hair got pulled under her own body. I always loved the way she took care of herself. Honestly, there is so much to learn from your partner if you really want to make a relationship work.

My chain of thoughts is broken by the sound of church bells going off after the morning mass at a nearby church. I get back to making tea and prepare a nice strong concoction and add a dash of ginger to it. I carefully filter the concoction into a cup and take some milk along. I put the cups on a tray and go over to Tina. I sit beside her and gently kiss her back, she purrs and opens her eyes and smiles. That is the smile I want to see everyday when I wake up. And I want to wake up next to her everyday.

She gets off the bed, wraps the quilt around herself and walks over to the window and stretches. I walk with her, put the tray on the window sill and make her some tea. Black with very little milk and a teaspoon and a half of sugar.

The remainder of our life has just begun........ I love you baby. Have a great day

Muah.....................

Time lag and my open eye dream............

Tina................... I am back.............only because you asked.

It warms me to know that you wanted this, although you never really asked me why I stopped writing. I guess, at the end of the day........it was all about that little bit of attention......... that little bit of curiosity......... that little urge to know how much more attention I could shower on you.

I was never too far away from this blog......... it has been instrumental in me laying bare my heart. It helped me deal with a lot of issues I would have otherwise struggled to deal with. But most importantly, this blog helped me reach out deep into you.

We have been dealing with matters of the heart and mind all along but lately your heart has been shining through to me and that brings me a lot of peace. There has been a massive shift in the way you have started to express yourself to me, in a way you never did earlier. Maybe you loved me earlier too, but always held yourself back because I was this brooding, intensely in love, passionately "everything Tina" guy and you had your own issues to handle.

It would be fair to say that a newer Tina has been emerging with every conversation. The walls have been torn down and you are baring yourself to me like never before and I want more of it, I want it absolutely raw, uncut, uncensored. I just want to see more of the person I am so deeply in love with that ageing alone does not seem daunting as I have your thoughts for company although I know your opinion on this topic.

By the way baby, Happy 2nd Anniversary of our connection. I know I am late by about 3 months but I think it makes more sense now than it would have had I said it back on 14th Nov 2013. In fact , the connection has been on since 1st Jan 2002 when we first acknowledged our feelings for each other but then everything got lost in time.

I told you this evening that I saw a dream today with my eyes open.......

I saw that I am standing in an open kitchen leaning against the counter wearing a white shirt, blue jeans with a lot of light shining through the window. And what am I doing......? Well... I am watching a 12 year old Tina who has just returned from school and is elaborately describing her day to her mother in as animated a fashion as possible. And then I close my eyes and I see that the same Tina is now grown up to the Tina I know now and is still describing her work day with as much zest, but this time her mother and I are part of her dining table discussion.

Oh baby..... I want to be there with you..... I miss you!!!!

The To Do List........

Things that you need to do........

1) Get a cupboard full of Jimmy Choo's stuff
2) Make that London trip......... you work very hard and you deserve this break. (By Summer of 2014)
3) Retire at 40.... no compromise on this (ie....by December 2020 - Only 8 more years of slogging)
4) Go Freelance..... you will do much better
5) Fulfilling Point 4 will get you that Audi...... its better than a Beemer
6) Enrique Concert - Track him....and go for it. Even if it is abroad (Catch a pal for it, maybe combine that London trip)
7) Keep working out..... that is your release.... not Alcohol...Never Alcohol
8) Get that promotion this year (By Summer of 2013)..... this one is in your pocket..but don't you get complacent

Add more stuff to this list......

PS: I love you

Tina..... "I love you".

Those words are an understatement to what I feel from within. My limited knowledge of the English vocabulary can only help me so much. I wish there was a better way to translate feelings ......

I am in touch with you yet I feel so distant and helpless. I want to hear your heartbeat...I want to see that sparkle in your eyes....I want to see that cheerful and bubbly smile....... I want to stay smitten by your forever.

Baby..... when I say those three words are an understatement..... I literally want to pull my hair out..... twist my ears.... knock my head on the wall to come up with something that can come close to describing how I ache for you.

I want to be able to reach out and touch you, feel you at my hearts desire. And the fact that I am not able to do that makes it impossible for me to have a smile on my face. I want to share my day with you..... I want to share my fears and my tears.... my smile and my toil.  I want to share ME ..... with YOU.

Are we meant to stay this way? Am I meant to be with someone else and yet be in love with you? Am I meant to watch in silence when you ache or glow.... not being able to share your sorrow or your joy because of this heartless and numb society that we live in?

The theme night.....and the stairs....

I want to meet you.

I was looking forward to our Dinner date. Wanted to take you to the same place where we went when we first met when I was a newcomer to your town.

I still remember the look in your eyes while we were sharing a smoke outside the joint on that cool summer evening. Something told me you wanted me around longer. Those eyes have swept me off into the ocean of desire since the day I have known you and the look that day has clung on to my heart till date.

If I could paint, trust me Tina....I would paint that image right now.

Those eyes made me feel so special that day. The attention they gave filled me, fueled me and eventually fragmented my thoughts. I wanted to grab you and hide you away from this world.

You don't say much, or maybe I say so much that whatever you say seems less. But then maybe I feel so because I am so greedy for everything that has to do with you.

What have you done to me? I wish I had known that I would be such a wreck because some damsel, not in distress,  would step into my life almost 14 summers ago.

The world has moved on. We have gone from transistor size mobile phones worth a fortune to mini hand held computing devices still worth the same fortune in these 14 years. I have moved on from that set up, everything but you is a faint memory from that time.

At times I feel like I am taking a flight of stairs and you are standing at the top. These are meant to be the 108 steps that we used to take everyday to get to class. But no, when I take these steps to get to you...they seem countless. I am just climbing and climbing and there seems to be no end.

Why is it that way?

And then you say you wanna let go........ 

Taunting Darkness

There is this darkness which takes over my mind..... it becomes an expanse like that of a rural landscape at night. With nothing but darkness all around, the only glimmer is from logs of wood lit at a distance. The light from the flames is good enough to light up the area close to it and act as a guiding glow which gives me direction.

As I come close, I see someone sitting close to the burning logs. I strain my eyes, the impatience in me wanting to know the person who sits there even though I am still quite a distance away. My heart starts to pound. I can feel the blood throbbing, wanting to burst out of my veins, for it can no longer keep up with my anxious heart.

I start walking faster, dry leaves crushing under my feet. I start to smile to myself as I can only think of being with one person. As I come close, I see that its a girl, her long hair fluttering and the fragrance of her body wafting through the gentle breeze all the way to me. The scent fills me up and gives me goosebumps. My walk turns into a jog..... I can no longer contain my anxiety and they are released in the form of tears that roll down my cheeks.

After all, I have been craving for my girl for what seems likes eons.

Now I start to run, and for some reason, a word comes to my lips. My voice cracks and I yell......"Tina, is that you?". I get no reply, only a slight turn of the head away from me. Her mane flutters faster and the flames dim out in the breeze. I hold my breath momentarily as the thought of the flames going out and me losing sight of my guiding light drains the color right out of my face. For some reason, she seems going farther away from me, no matter how much I run towards the light.

I start to stumble and my knees start going weak with anxiety. I can only see Tina's face flashing in front of me, alternating between the glow from the fired up logs. It simply reminded me of the first time I had smoked up, the water cooler at the end of the corridor of my hostel seemed miles away and seemed like it had feet and was walking further away taunting me.

Only this time, I was not stoned. Yet, Tina seemed to be taunting me. The flashes showed her smiling at me.

I was not able to figure out if she loved me or she loved seeing me crave????

I finally break into a sprint, gather every bit of my strength and catch up with the taunting flames, the taunting girl and the taunting glow. I fall on my knees, try and catch my breath looking at the girl all the time. Her mane is fluttering right over her face.

I can't see her, but I can smell only her. The burning wood, the sweat on my body...everything seems odorless.

I finally gather the strength and pull towards the girl with the flowing mane. I reach out and hold her with one hand and use my other hand to move her hair to the side to reveal what I have been wanting to see everyday when I wake up. As I move her hair, her beautiful eyes are revealed and just like a bolt of electricity, It jolts me right down to the soul of my soul. But before I can see anymore, there is this sudden burst of wind and the flames go out and with that Tina vanishes from my grip.

I sit there startled, alone, craving, yearning, sobbing, yelling. Her scent lingers on and the feel of her mane and the sight of her eyes console me and gives me the strength to continue looking for that flickering glow in the vast expanse of darkness that surrounds me.

I know Tina is there.

I know I will find her.

I know I will embrace her.

I know..... I know.... I know

Amor cuerdo, no es amor

Cuban poet Jose` Marti wrote..... prudent love, isn't love.

Its so easy to say, Move on.

People who are immensely passionate about something cannot move on. Because its a passion, It can't be forgotten and buried. You can move on from a broken watch, a bad job or a bitchy girl friend; but not from a Passion.

Passion.... taken from an Ancient Greek word literally means to "suffer".

Well.... I would say the word was rightly attributed to people, among others, who are deeply engrossed in another persons thought that they have absolutely no track of the time gone by and the time going by.

I sometimes wondered??? How can a girl be my passion???? And then I thought, you don't have to have answers to everything in this world. In fact, you WILL NOT have answers to everything in the world. And that this question fell in that category.

We all live our lives, daily mundaneness taking over every bit of our existence. Yet we suffer from within. It may not seem so on the face. After all a person's got to do what he's got to do to earn his bread.

I too share a joke, crack profanities, try to be a good son, listen to trance and slog my rear off at work. But from within, I feel no love for the outside world although I love this gift called life. I love the feeling when my emotions surge at the thought of Tina. Its like all the electrical impulses in my brain come together at the same time. The thought of her makes me feel heady.

People say there is no love, I too stopped believing that there was love until Tina came back on the fringes of my life.

When did she move from the fringes and took center stage???? I do not know.

Now she wants to let go.

It just seemed too simple to say those words to me............. just too simple.

I feel like............. ah ....forget it.

Feel me feel you.....

I want you Tina.....
I wanna hear every word that comes out of you....
I wanna feel every breath you breath.....
I wanna go to sleep smelling you....
I wanna wake up yearning for you....
I wanna spend every idle minute thinking about you....

Your silence pierces my heart....
Your beautiful eyes pierce my soul.....
Your touch sets me ablaze....
Your lips leave me in a state of daze.....
Your skin glows just the way I'd like my day to glow with you around....
But its your mind that takes the cake.....

I WANT YOU SO BAD.....
To fill me up....
To fill the vacant space in my heart....
A space left vacant only for you.....

Oh Tina..... Feel me feel you

My Words....Others Words...My Outlet....

I have been away for a bit..... I know Tina loved these blogs...they made her feel like a Princess. I know that because she told me so........... I know that because a friend of mine not known to her was extremely jealous of her when she got to know of this blog.

Jealous in a happy way..... Jealous that Tina was lucky to have someone so crazy.....so raving mad.....so enchanted.......so enamored......so purely in Love with her.

I'd like to take pride in my love.... pride in the fact that when i see Tina...I simply go blind all around. Its like a tunnel vision...... or like a horse with blinders.

I hadn't had a conversation with Tina for a while.... things had gone quite for a bit..... for whatever reasons!..... but today I just could not stay quite.... the Chatterbox that I am..... I just couldn't.

I had posted an update on my social profile......

"There is a bit of me
 That will always be, with you,
 And something tells me
 This is love due"

needless to say...she was on my mind.....

She knew it!!!

YOU.....

YOU said I write well.... I felt I write imaginatively.... but then I realized...

Its YOU who Inspires me to "write".......
Its YOU who makes me "explore the depths of my mind and heart"......
Its YOU who makes me "love"....
Its YOU who makes me "burn".....
Its YOU who makes my "heart churn".....
Its YOU who makes me "spurn".......

And now that we haven't spoken for days..........!!!!!