Feelings.....!!!!

Tina......

I was just wondering...... if the feeling between us is mutual. Maybe I speak out and you don't...... well I know you don't because you do not want to build a castle in thin air. I really do not blame you for that though. But having said that, I choose to go with the flow. Remember.......!!! ONE LIFE.

So why do I pick this topic of "Feelings"....... ?

I ask myself..... what is it about Tina that drives me to relegate everything else to the back room and trash all possible theories of why the relationship is not bound to work? You know, for all practical purposes....and to ensure sensitivity towards the ones already attached to our lives...... it would be "Practical" to stay away from each other. That is probably the only reason why the theories of us not being able to be one would apply. But then the impact of this theory is enormous, the impact on the sensitivity of those attached is enormous and I will be the first one to reluctantly accept it.

Having said that, either it is my thick skull or the absolute state of love paralysis when I think about you, that it makes me want to take on any situation that is thrown at me if the end result is going to be having you and your little one permanently in my life. How things would pan out if you were to be mine is something that I am unable picture....... but one feeling is certain..... that there would be no scope of disappointment baby. I will have this willingness to try and work out every problem to ensure our happiness.

You maybe wondering why am I talking about all this..... since this is not the first time we are talking about it. But then you know me, when it comes to you....... nothing stays in. I loved a line a friend of mine recently spoke..... when she got to know about you and I being together and when she spoke about the futility of this effort that I was making and the thread of hope that I was clinging onto.... she said..... "Only Tina could have made you risk breaking your heart once again." and that she saw a man "Who sleeps, eats and breathes Tina"

Is that a bad thing? Am i losing my mind?

Thinking about you revitalizes me, hearing your voice rejuvenates me and your expression of love sends me to the moon and back.

You know..... finding a life partner is not a tough thing..... you found yours and i will find mine if i go looking for one...... but finding a mate for life....the one that would complete you at all levels, emotional...physical.... spiritual...at worldly and not so worldly levels..... that is what I am chasing Tina..... because in you...I see that fulfillment.

Do i make any sense???? I don't know....but its all clear in mind though.

I am in love with you.

Muah!!!!

My passion for you stays......

Morning my love. You will always be my love....no matter what happens today or tomorrow or whenever. You will remain the one person outside my family who is my family to me. Ofcourse there will be a couple of other friends who are like my family.... but none of them I would consider my soulmate.

No matter what thoughts grate and grind my mind, at the end of it I can only love you and do nothing else. I am helpless there. For example when you said thank you for the seat, it grated my senses, cause I do it for you as I would do it as if you were my wife or for my mom or my brother. I want you to take me for granted and even be a bit demanding in that sense. Generally...... take me the way you want to take me without any barriers between us. Thats the purity of my feelings.

I want you to know that I understand your heart baby. Atleast most of it. I know what is in there and what are your little dreams and desires. While I want to be a part of every breath you take, I know that is not going to happen.

When you say that "I want to go the other way" or " I feel guilty " or " I feel like i am cheating"......I know that I am no longer able to give you pure happiness in our relationship. If you remember, the only reason I got into this relationship was because i wanted to give you happiness.... make you smile...make you realise how special you are ..... and that I was getting a chance of making you mine...however miniscule it was. It was as much a selfish agenda as it was a selfless one.

But now when i feel that you have trouble looking at yourself in the eye when you wake up in the morning..... and that the thoughts of me bring about a pang of negative emotions..... I know that is not how I want to be thought about. I want to be thought for my passion...and my love....and my insanity for you and nothing else.

I am not drawing a conclusion out of this yet..... maybe I dont have the strength for it right now. I am just putting my heart right out on the table.

I write this as I wish you the best from the deepest corner of my heart with your new job and the new chapter in your life. May you achieve great heights in your profession and may you get whatever it is you desire. Even if i do not appear in that bucket list of yours.

I am super excited for your first day at work.....as if it is my first day. I am a bit nervous too.

I love you Tina....always did....always will.

My passion for you stays.

Silence makes the heart grow fonder.....

After a very very long time, there was silence between Tina and I.

She has been burdened with responsibilities at work as she prepares to bid a sweet goodbye to her current employer. Furthermore, the role of a wife spending time with her husband, the role of a mother packing up her sons belongings as she prepares to begin a brief but an exciting chapter in her life with her son in tow and the role of the lady of the house ensuring that all is in order in her absence, she has been absorbed to ensure that she does not leave any stone unturned to take care of every domestic issue before she leaves town.

Tina, I miss you..... and adore you and admire the woman that you are. The silence between us is a very uncomfortable space for me to be in, even if it is because of issues not relating to the matters of the heart. But it makes us realize what we have and what we take for granted.

I want to smell you, the distance between us is too much, the craving for you has grown.

You know... my cousin recently asked me during a normal conversation how you were doing? The very fact that your name was mentioned in a very casual yet concerned manner lit me up. As if you were a public part of my life and as if "You were mine". I just wish I could snap my fingers and pop up right next to you where ever you are, give you a big fat kiss, grab you by the arm and just whisk you away from everybody for a bit so that I can have all your attention and all of you for myself.

I am possessive about you..... and I am possessed by you.

I LOVE YOU.......................

Another open eye dream..... our Holiday

Its a beautiful lazy morning, I have just opened my eyes to chirping birds and rustling branches of a tree right outside the open window of our hotel room. Its breezy and warm outside. The swishing leaves on the tree give me a reason not to get off the bed but I have a bigger reason to be up and about, I am with Tina and I want to "live" every moment with her.

I turn around to find Tina still in her slumber, although she usually is an early riser, I guess the holiday mood has taken hold of her and she is rightfully giving herself the rest she deserves. Her face is so serene and she seems so much at peace, so much so that I just want to watch her sleep to her hearts content. I decide to make her some tea, just the way she likes it, black with milk separate.

I jump out of the bed and rush to the kitchenette, I fill the kettle with some water and keep it on the stove as I watch Tina shift. Damn...she is so graceful even while she is asleep. I walk up to her and give her a light peck on her lips. She shifts again and turns her bare back towards me.

I watch her and what I see makes me wish that I was a really good painter. I see Tina lying down with her flowing mane. Her back exposed till her hips and the quilt covering up the rest as though she did that on purpose to tease me. Its warm and fuzzy, so I am not too concerned about her feeling cold. I am just taking in the sight of watching my beautiful mate sleep so blissfully. It was such a picture perfect moment with lots of natural light filling up the room.

Actually, I always enjoyed watching her go to sleep. She would carefully sort her long hair out and lay it down ever so gently on her pillow before resting her head. She hated the fact that sometimes her hair got pulled under her own body. I always loved the way she took care of herself. Honestly, there is so much to learn from your partner if you really want to make a relationship work.

My chain of thoughts is broken by the sound of church bells going off after the morning mass at a nearby church. I get back to making tea and prepare a nice strong concoction and add a dash of ginger to it. I carefully filter the concoction into a cup and take some milk along. I put the cups on a tray and go over to Tina. I sit beside her and gently kiss her back, she purrs and opens her eyes and smiles. That is the smile I want to see everyday when I wake up. And I want to wake up next to her everyday.

She gets off the bed, wraps the quilt around herself and walks over to the window and stretches. I walk with her, put the tray on the window sill and make her some tea. Black with very little milk and a teaspoon and a half of sugar.

The remainder of our life has just begun........ I love you baby. Have a great day

Muah.....................

Time lag and my open eye dream............

Tina................... I am back.............only because you asked.

It warms me to know that you wanted this, although you never really asked me why I stopped writing. I guess, at the end of the day........it was all about that little bit of attention......... that little bit of curiosity......... that little urge to know how much more attention I could shower on you.

I was never too far away from this blog......... it has been instrumental in me laying bare my heart. It helped me deal with a lot of issues I would have otherwise struggled to deal with. But most importantly, this blog helped me reach out deep into you.

We have been dealing with matters of the heart and mind all along but lately your heart has been shining through to me and that brings me a lot of peace. There has been a massive shift in the way you have started to express yourself to me, in a way you never did earlier. Maybe you loved me earlier too, but always held yourself back because I was this brooding, intensely in love, passionately "everything Tina" guy and you had your own issues to handle.

It would be fair to say that a newer Tina has been emerging with every conversation. The walls have been torn down and you are baring yourself to me like never before and I want more of it, I want it absolutely raw, uncut, uncensored. I just want to see more of the person I am so deeply in love with that ageing alone does not seem daunting as I have your thoughts for company although I know your opinion on this topic.

By the way baby, Happy 2nd Anniversary of our connection. I know I am late by about 3 months but I think it makes more sense now than it would have had I said it back on 14th Nov 2013. In fact , the connection has been on since 1st Jan 2002 when we first acknowledged our feelings for each other but then everything got lost in time.

I told you this evening that I saw a dream today with my eyes open.......

I saw that I am standing in an open kitchen leaning against the counter wearing a white shirt, blue jeans with a lot of light shining through the window. And what am I doing......? Well... I am watching a 12 year old Tina who has just returned from school and is elaborately describing her day to her mother in as animated a fashion as possible. And then I close my eyes and I see that the same Tina is now grown up to the Tina I know now and is still describing her work day with as much zest, but this time her mother and I are part of her dining table discussion.

Oh baby..... I want to be there with you..... I miss you!!!!

The To Do List........

Things that you need to do........

1) Get a cupboard full of Jimmy Choo's stuff
2) Make that London trip......... you work very hard and you deserve this break. (By Summer of 2014)
3) Retire at 40.... no compromise on this (ie....by December 2020 - Only 8 more years of slogging)
4) Go Freelance..... you will do much better
5) Fulfilling Point 4 will get you that Audi...... its better than a Beemer
6) Enrique Concert - Track him....and go for it. Even if it is abroad (Catch a pal for it, maybe combine that London trip)
7) Keep working out..... that is your release.... not Alcohol...Never Alcohol
8) Get that promotion this year (By Summer of 2013)..... this one is in your pocket..but don't you get complacent

Add more stuff to this list......

PS: I love you

Tina..... "I love you".

Those words are an understatement to what I feel from within. My limited knowledge of the English vocabulary can only help me so much. I wish there was a better way to translate feelings ......

I am in touch with you yet I feel so distant and helpless. I want to hear your heartbeat...I want to see that sparkle in your eyes....I want to see that cheerful and bubbly smile....... I want to stay smitten by your forever.

Baby..... when I say those three words are an understatement..... I literally want to pull my hair out..... twist my ears.... knock my head on the wall to come up with something that can come close to describing how I ache for you.

I want to be able to reach out and touch you, feel you at my hearts desire. And the fact that I am not able to do that makes it impossible for me to have a smile on my face. I want to share my day with you..... I want to share my fears and my tears.... my smile and my toil.  I want to share ME ..... with YOU.

Are we meant to stay this way? Am I meant to be with someone else and yet be in love with you? Am I meant to watch in silence when you ache or glow.... not being able to share your sorrow or your joy because of this heartless and numb society that we live in?

The theme night.....and the stairs....

I want to meet you.

I was looking forward to our Dinner date. Wanted to take you to the same place where we went when we first met when I was a newcomer to your town.

I still remember the look in your eyes while we were sharing a smoke outside the joint on that cool summer evening. Something told me you wanted me around longer. Those eyes have swept me off into the ocean of desire since the day I have known you and the look that day has clung on to my heart till date.

If I could paint, trust me Tina....I would paint that image right now.

Those eyes made me feel so special that day. The attention they gave filled me, fueled me and eventually fragmented my thoughts. I wanted to grab you and hide you away from this world.

You don't say much, or maybe I say so much that whatever you say seems less. But then maybe I feel so because I am so greedy for everything that has to do with you.

What have you done to me? I wish I had known that I would be such a wreck because some damsel, not in distress,  would step into my life almost 14 summers ago.

The world has moved on. We have gone from transistor size mobile phones worth a fortune to mini hand held computing devices still worth the same fortune in these 14 years. I have moved on from that set up, everything but you is a faint memory from that time.

At times I feel like I am taking a flight of stairs and you are standing at the top. These are meant to be the 108 steps that we used to take everyday to get to class. But no, when I take these steps to get to you...they seem countless. I am just climbing and climbing and there seems to be no end.

Why is it that way?

And then you say you wanna let go........ 

Taunting Darkness

There is this darkness which takes over my mind..... it becomes an expanse like that of a rural landscape at night. With nothing but darkness all around, the only glimmer is from logs of wood lit at a distance. The light from the flames is good enough to light up the area close to it and act as a guiding glow which gives me direction.

As I come close, I see someone sitting close to the burning logs. I strain my eyes, the impatience in me wanting to know the person who sits there even though I am still quite a distance away. My heart starts to pound. I can feel the blood throbbing, wanting to burst out of my veins, for it can no longer keep up with my anxious heart.

I start walking faster, dry leaves crushing under my feet. I start to smile to myself as I can only think of being with one person. As I come close, I see that its a girl, her long hair fluttering and the fragrance of her body wafting through the gentle breeze all the way to me. The scent fills me up and gives me goosebumps. My walk turns into a jog..... I can no longer contain my anxiety and they are released in the form of tears that roll down my cheeks.

After all, I have been craving for my girl for what seems likes eons.

Now I start to run, and for some reason, a word comes to my lips. My voice cracks and I yell......"Tina, is that you?". I get no reply, only a slight turn of the head away from me. Her mane flutters faster and the flames dim out in the breeze. I hold my breath momentarily as the thought of the flames going out and me losing sight of my guiding light drains the color right out of my face. For some reason, she seems going farther away from me, no matter how much I run towards the light.

I start to stumble and my knees start going weak with anxiety. I can only see Tina's face flashing in front of me, alternating between the glow from the fired up logs. It simply reminded me of the first time I had smoked up, the water cooler at the end of the corridor of my hostel seemed miles away and seemed like it had feet and was walking further away taunting me.

Only this time, I was not stoned. Yet, Tina seemed to be taunting me. The flashes showed her smiling at me.

I was not able to figure out if she loved me or she loved seeing me crave????

I finally break into a sprint, gather every bit of my strength and catch up with the taunting flames, the taunting girl and the taunting glow. I fall on my knees, try and catch my breath looking at the girl all the time. Her mane is fluttering right over her face.

I can't see her, but I can smell only her. The burning wood, the sweat on my body...everything seems odorless.

I finally gather the strength and pull towards the girl with the flowing mane. I reach out and hold her with one hand and use my other hand to move her hair to the side to reveal what I have been wanting to see everyday when I wake up. As I move her hair, her beautiful eyes are revealed and just like a bolt of electricity, It jolts me right down to the soul of my soul. But before I can see anymore, there is this sudden burst of wind and the flames go out and with that Tina vanishes from my grip.

I sit there startled, alone, craving, yearning, sobbing, yelling. Her scent lingers on and the feel of her mane and the sight of her eyes console me and gives me the strength to continue looking for that flickering glow in the vast expanse of darkness that surrounds me.

I know Tina is there.

I know I will find her.

I know I will embrace her.

I know..... I know.... I know

Amor cuerdo, no es amor

Cuban poet Jose` Marti wrote..... prudent love, isn't love.

Its so easy to say, Move on.

People who are immensely passionate about something cannot move on. Because its a passion, It can't be forgotten and buried. You can move on from a broken watch, a bad job or a bitchy girl friend; but not from a Passion.

Passion.... taken from an Ancient Greek word literally means to "suffer".

Well.... I would say the word was rightly attributed to people, among others, who are deeply engrossed in another persons thought that they have absolutely no track of the time gone by and the time going by.

I sometimes wondered??? How can a girl be my passion???? And then I thought, you don't have to have answers to everything in this world. In fact, you WILL NOT have answers to everything in the world. And that this question fell in that category.

We all live our lives, daily mundaneness taking over every bit of our existence. Yet we suffer from within. It may not seem so on the face. After all a person's got to do what he's got to do to earn his bread.

I too share a joke, crack profanities, try to be a good son, listen to trance and slog my rear off at work. But from within, I feel no love for the outside world although I love this gift called life. I love the feeling when my emotions surge at the thought of Tina. Its like all the electrical impulses in my brain come together at the same time. The thought of her makes me feel heady.

People say there is no love, I too stopped believing that there was love until Tina came back on the fringes of my life.

When did she move from the fringes and took center stage???? I do not know.

Now she wants to let go.

It just seemed too simple to say those words to me............. just too simple.

I feel like............. ah ....forget it.