I will always LOVE LOVING YOU

We last met in December 2015. 

What has changed in the last 38 months? Nothing I would say. 

But we have lost 3 years of companionship. It sucks to not be able to speak to the one you really want to speak to. Not because you can't speak to one another, but because emotions take over at a certain point and conversations start to become uncomfortable.

Why should the conversations become uncomfortable? Hard to pick a reason.

We are grown ups, we are expected to understand each others predicament. But we don't accept reality. And as a natural response, we distance ourselves. We avoid speaking to the one we love. We don't address the elephant in the room and we lose valuable time and company. We lose the moment of sharing joy or anger or sorrow. We build walls around us all over again and make it difficult for love to come in.

There is only love that I have to give. I don't have anything else to give. I just want to be surrounded with abundance of love and passion. I just want to shower you with same love and passion.

"The Greeks didn't write obituaries, they just asked one question when a man died: Did he 
have passion?" It's a quote used in the movie "Serendipity (2001)"

Do I still dream of being with you? 

Absolutely.

Does it hurt to not be with you?

Not so much, the grown up in me has learnt to handle the child in me. Or should I say, forced to handle.

I came across the song "MYSELF" that I shared with you last night. All I could picture was your face, your dreams, your hopes, your desires that you shared with me. All that did not workout and all that worked out.

I know this is LOVE, in its 20th year. You have stayed away, I have stayed away. We have lived our separate lives. 

But Tina, I will always LOVE LOVING YOU

I know it.....

Ulay, Oh

There she was like a picture.
There she was, she was just the same.
There she was; he just had to know that she had forgot his name.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.

Thinking back to the last time.
On the wall as they turned away.
Walking back; was it just a dream or did he hear her say?
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.

Trying his best to forget her.
Trying his best to just keep his stride.
Kept his word, but he knows he heard
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.

There she was like a picture.
There she was, she was just the same.
There she was; he just had to know she had not forgot his name.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.

There he was like his picture.
There he was; he was just the same.
There he was. He could never know she could never give his name.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.

Thinking back to the last time.
On the wall as he turned away.
Turning back, did he even know?
Did he ever hear her say
Ulay, Ulay, Oh?

Trying her best to forget him.
Trying her best just to keep her stride.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.
There they were like the picture.
There they were, they were just the same.
There they were, but he walked away and her eyes could only say
Ulay, Ulay, Oh.

Taken from http://lyricstranslate.com/en/how-i-became-bomb-ulay-oh-lyrics.html#ixzz3c5ZvA0WC

Missed you terribly......just 9 mins ago

Its 2035 hrs as I start typing this post........ I just got off the phone with you a few minutes ago when we discussed about my intent to pen a book about us.

You know Tina....... I was always fascinated by outer space. As a kid I was, as an adult I still am. I loved reading about stars and galaxies, the "milky way".......the "andromeda"..... the "red dwarf" stars and the "supernovas". I still remember how bad i felt when they recently struck Pluto off the list of 9 planets that orbited the sun because of some random reason about its trajectory, distance and its size.

Coming to the point, i was just going through the NASA website where i read that it is possible to spot the International Space Station (ISS) with the naked eye. I thought it would be so cool to be able to see it. I looked up their schedule, and voila..... there was a scheduled sighting over Delhi at 2025 hrs today and it was 2018 hrs in my clock, so i rushed up to the terrace and even downloaded a compass application on my phone to be able to figure our where "24 N (North) and 72 WSW (West South West)" really was.

I felt excited like a kid and it reminded me of how dad, mom, bro and I used to be out on the balcony trying to figure out the constellations in the dark sky after learning about them in our science class in school back in early 90's.

As my eyes were wandering about in the black sky trying to figure out the ISS, for a good 2-3 minutes I kept looking at a star mistaking it to be the ISS, and then I spot this bright spot in the sky at 2026 hrs (Give or take 1 min on my watch, these NASA guys are so damn accurate), moving steadily across (like a meteor...but a lot slower and with no tail......). I cannot begin to describe, the rush of blood, the craving and desire to have you and your little one next to me. Someone I could share my thrill with, someone I could excitedly show the wonders of the world. I am sure PK would have loved to see this as well.

Wish you were here....my partner in crime..... the one who will know the small things that give me joy......

YOU

Its 2057 hrs...... now

Teach Me How........

I have absolutely no doubt over how we feel about each other......

I have absolutely no doubt that if you and I are in the same room, in the middle of a 100 people, we would still be pulled together.

I have absolutely no doubt that if you and I are in the same city, in the middle of a million people, we would still be pulled together.

I also have absolutely no doubt that you and I, despite being in different cities, keep gate crashing the other persons thoughts every now and then.

But Tina...please teach me how.....

Teach me how you are able to stay aloof ?
Teach me how you are able to stay dis-connected ?

When it comes to our bond, you are the pessimist and I am the eternal optimist. Or to put it more eloquently, you are the practical one and I am the dreamer. But its important to have both extremes, isn't it ?

You are going to be mine.... I don't know how.....I don't know when..... But I just know

I am waiting!

An e-mail from the past....

Dated 8th May 2013

Tina.....

I feel that there is nothing that I haven't told you and yet feel that there is so much that I need to tell you!!!

For starters....... I cannot begin to explain the emotions in response to your e-mail. I read your mail and felt elated. Elated that I was able to get you to talk because I yearn to peek into your heart. I wish my Birthday was everyday so that I could get such e-mails from you everyday.

You have put me on a different pedestal by comparing our relationship to the one you share with your god. I don't know if I am truly worthy of it but I am touched indeed. But at the same time, I did feel a tinge of disappointment because I wanted a worldly relationship as well.

PROLOGUE

I remember telling you this before, I wanted the world to know about us. And the very fact that I can't is probably the biggest source of my disappointment. The very fact that I cannot scream and shout my love for you makes me unhappy. I have said this before..... I have this one birth...I know you as you in this birth...and I want you for who you are in this birth. I have spent way too much time not being a go getter….I have just lumbered through my 32 years for lack of an aim or a passion. And rightly so….. my passion was always you … its just that I realised it a tad too late. I still cannot understand how can a woman be my passion?? but I have come accept that part of me. The part that “YOU ARE MY PASSION”. Your happiness “MY AIM”.

But then that puts me in a very precarious position, practically (as you love it) you and I cannot be together (so far…..). That leaves me aimless all over again. Because…. your happiness is someone else’s responsibility.

Funny as it sounds….. my passion is someone else’s responsibility. Ha …Go figure that out.

I don’t want this write up to be a depressing rant but I am just trying to come across and make you understand where I am coming from because I really do not know where I am going.

PURITY

My feelings for you have been unlike any I have felt so far. And the best part is that these feelings come with no baggage. And maybe that’s exactly what made me realise that I cannot have you out of my life. Because if you being married and being a mother of a grown up child does not deter me from dreaming about our union…then there is certainly a deeper connection between us (I feel).

There is this certain purity that I feel towards you. And honestly, never felt this before. A sort of purity that maybe I feel towards my mother or father (no wife or kid to compare it with) and yet it goes way beyond what I feel for my folks. A sort of purity that commands a level of commitment knowing that you are loving the right person. That this person shares the same ethical and moral foundation that you have and that at a very fundamental level, that’s where the connection starts.

And in fact, I believe this feeling of purity extends way beyond. There is no doubt that the roots are our humble and grounded upbringings, but after that there is our mind and our thoughts. Our relationship in college……. that established our comfort level and made me realise that you were the one I always dreamt of. I do not remember our conversations but I do remember the level of comfort and the lack of inhibition that we shared while conversing with each other.

That planted a dream in my head. A dream to make you mine, but I never had the guts or the confidence to make that a reality. This feeling of purity is based on the foundation that I mentioned above and will remain for as long as the foundation remains intact. Yet….it extends way beyond anything I am able to articulate. That’s probably why I keep writing the word Purity so many times without being able to elaborate on it.

In simple words, everything about you is acceptable to me. Everything……………………….. your dreams, fears, success, failures, problems, solutions.

I want your mind, body and soul. (Right from the M of the Mind to the L of the Soul and everything in between)

Although I have come as close as I can…to explain Purity….I still feel I am falling short of words Tina……..

GOD

You have put me in a different league, a league in which I am the only player  as I don’t feel threatened by your GOD. That makes me feel thrilled and I only wish that I was the ONLY PLAYER in your life.

Tina….I am accepting your emotions with an open heart and a smile on my face…. But as I mentioned above, I wanted a worldly relationship too. Wherein, I could put to practice all that I feel for you. I admire you for your resolve in accepting and not asking any questions, but baby I am not built that way. I am constantly nagged by the AIM/PASSION question in my life because it makes me feel that I have no purpose. And that my purpose is elsewhere with someone else. Then what am I here for?

I guess I am purely greedy about the physical aspect of our relationship. The Body part of the Mind, Body and Soul as that makes me feel incomplete. That you are not next to me, that I cannot hold your hand when I want to, that I cannot look into your eyes and show you how much I care about you whenever I want to, that I cannot sit and discuss books with you, that we cannot go and watch a movie with you and your caramel pop-corns, that I cannot make tea for you the way you love it, that I cannot tend to you when you are unwell and that we both cannot enjoy a cup of tea at a tapari or chicken momos at a joint. It’s the lack of these small physical things that make me unhappy and angry and upset.

I am happy that our arguments and fights have ended with a level of maturity and acceptance that whatever it is, it is Tina….the one I love and I accept her in every which way. Her anger, her silence …although frustrating…is equally endearing.

Tina…I cannot stop loving you……. I have not been programmed that way by your GOD. He made me for you and then he got so busy making you that he forgot about me totally 

There is still so much in my head….so much I want to write but I am just unable to articulate.

Love you..........

PS:
I am still waiting for you to reply to this e-mail...... its not good to make someone "Madly in Love" wait for so long. You may not realize it............but its a torture.

Maya Angelou...... RIP

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences , penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope - Maya Angelou (1928 - 2014)

Feelings.....!!!!

Tina......

I was just wondering...... if the feeling between us is mutual. Maybe I speak out and you don't...... well I know you don't because you do not want to build a castle in thin air. I really do not blame you for that though. But having said that, I choose to go with the flow. Remember.......!!! ONE LIFE.

So why do I pick this topic of "Feelings"....... ?

I ask myself..... what is it about Tina that drives me to relegate everything else to the back room and trash all possible theories of why the relationship is not bound to work? You know, for all practical purposes....and to ensure sensitivity towards the ones already attached to our lives...... it would be "Practical" to stay away from each other. That is probably the only reason why the theories of us not being able to be one would apply. But then the impact of this theory is enormous, the impact on the sensitivity of those attached is enormous and I will be the first one to reluctantly accept it.

Having said that, either it is my thick skull or the absolute state of love paralysis when I think about you, that it makes me want to take on any situation that is thrown at me if the end result is going to be having you and your little one permanently in my life. How things would pan out if you were to be mine is something that I am unable picture....... but one feeling is certain..... that there would be no scope of disappointment baby. I will have this willingness to try and work out every problem to ensure our happiness.

You maybe wondering why am I talking about all this..... since this is not the first time we are talking about it. But then you know me, when it comes to you....... nothing stays in. I loved a line a friend of mine recently spoke..... when she got to know about you and I being together and when she spoke about the futility of this effort that I was making and the thread of hope that I was clinging onto.... she said..... "Only Tina could have made you risk breaking your heart once again." and that she saw a man "Who sleeps, eats and breathes Tina"

Is that a bad thing? Am i losing my mind?

Thinking about you revitalizes me, hearing your voice rejuvenates me and your expression of love sends me to the moon and back.

You know..... finding a life partner is not a tough thing..... you found yours and i will find mine if i go looking for one...... but finding a mate for life....the one that would complete you at all levels, emotional...physical.... spiritual...at worldly and not so worldly levels..... that is what I am chasing Tina..... because in you...I see that fulfillment.

Do i make any sense???? I don't know....but its all clear in mind though.

I am in love with you.

Muah!!!!

My passion for you stays......

Morning my love. You will always be my love....no matter what happens today or tomorrow or whenever. You will remain the one person outside my family who is my family to me. Ofcourse there will be a couple of other friends who are like my family.... but none of them I would consider my soulmate.

No matter what thoughts grate and grind my mind, at the end of it I can only love you and do nothing else. I am helpless there. For example when you said thank you for the seat, it grated my senses, cause I do it for you as I would do it as if you were my wife or for my mom or my brother. I want you to take me for granted and even be a bit demanding in that sense. Generally...... take me the way you want to take me without any barriers between us. Thats the purity of my feelings.

I want you to know that I understand your heart baby. Atleast most of it. I know what is in there and what are your little dreams and desires. While I want to be a part of every breath you take, I know that is not going to happen.

When you say that "I want to go the other way" or " I feel guilty " or " I feel like i am cheating"......I know that I am no longer able to give you pure happiness in our relationship. If you remember, the only reason I got into this relationship was because i wanted to give you happiness.... make you smile...make you realise how special you are ..... and that I was getting a chance of making you mine...however miniscule it was. It was as much a selfish agenda as it was a selfless one.

But now when i feel that you have trouble looking at yourself in the eye when you wake up in the morning..... and that the thoughts of me bring about a pang of negative emotions..... I know that is not how I want to be thought about. I want to be thought for my passion...and my love....and my insanity for you and nothing else.

I am not drawing a conclusion out of this yet..... maybe I dont have the strength for it right now. I am just putting my heart right out on the table.

I write this as I wish you the best from the deepest corner of my heart with your new job and the new chapter in your life. May you achieve great heights in your profession and may you get whatever it is you desire. Even if i do not appear in that bucket list of yours.

I am super excited for your first day at work.....as if it is my first day. I am a bit nervous too.

I love you Tina....always did....always will.

My passion for you stays.

Silence makes the heart grow fonder.....

After a very very long time, there was silence between Tina and I.

She has been burdened with responsibilities at work as she prepares to bid a sweet goodbye to her current employer. Furthermore, the role of a wife spending time with her husband, the role of a mother packing up her sons belongings as she prepares to begin a brief but an exciting chapter in her life with her son in tow and the role of the lady of the house ensuring that all is in order in her absence, she has been absorbed to ensure that she does not leave any stone unturned to take care of every domestic issue before she leaves town.

Tina, I miss you..... and adore you and admire the woman that you are. The silence between us is a very uncomfortable space for me to be in, even if it is because of issues not relating to the matters of the heart. But it makes us realize what we have and what we take for granted.

I want to smell you, the distance between us is too much, the craving for you has grown.

You know... my cousin recently asked me during a normal conversation how you were doing? The very fact that your name was mentioned in a very casual yet concerned manner lit me up. As if you were a public part of my life and as if "You were mine". I just wish I could snap my fingers and pop up right next to you where ever you are, give you a big fat kiss, grab you by the arm and just whisk you away from everybody for a bit so that I can have all your attention and all of you for myself.

I am possessive about you..... and I am possessed by you.

I LOVE YOU.......................

Another open eye dream..... our Holiday

Its a beautiful lazy morning, I have just opened my eyes to chirping birds and rustling branches of a tree right outside the open window of our hotel room. Its breezy and warm outside. The swishing leaves on the tree give me a reason not to get off the bed but I have a bigger reason to be up and about, I am with Tina and I want to "live" every moment with her.

I turn around to find Tina still in her slumber, although she usually is an early riser, I guess the holiday mood has taken hold of her and she is rightfully giving herself the rest she deserves. Her face is so serene and she seems so much at peace, so much so that I just want to watch her sleep to her hearts content. I decide to make her some tea, just the way she likes it, black with milk separate.

I jump out of the bed and rush to the kitchenette, I fill the kettle with some water and keep it on the stove as I watch Tina shift. Damn...she is so graceful even while she is asleep. I walk up to her and give her a light peck on her lips. She shifts again and turns her bare back towards me.

I watch her and what I see makes me wish that I was a really good painter. I see Tina lying down with her flowing mane. Her back exposed till her hips and the quilt covering up the rest as though she did that on purpose to tease me. Its warm and fuzzy, so I am not too concerned about her feeling cold. I am just taking in the sight of watching my beautiful mate sleep so blissfully. It was such a picture perfect moment with lots of natural light filling up the room.

Actually, I always enjoyed watching her go to sleep. She would carefully sort her long hair out and lay it down ever so gently on her pillow before resting her head. She hated the fact that sometimes her hair got pulled under her own body. I always loved the way she took care of herself. Honestly, there is so much to learn from your partner if you really want to make a relationship work.

My chain of thoughts is broken by the sound of church bells going off after the morning mass at a nearby church. I get back to making tea and prepare a nice strong concoction and add a dash of ginger to it. I carefully filter the concoction into a cup and take some milk along. I put the cups on a tray and go over to Tina. I sit beside her and gently kiss her back, she purrs and opens her eyes and smiles. That is the smile I want to see everyday when I wake up. And I want to wake up next to her everyday.

She gets off the bed, wraps the quilt around herself and walks over to the window and stretches. I walk with her, put the tray on the window sill and make her some tea. Black with very little milk and a teaspoon and a half of sugar.

The remainder of our life has just begun........ I love you baby. Have a great day

Muah.....................

Time lag and my open eye dream............

Tina................... I am back.............only because you asked.

It warms me to know that you wanted this, although you never really asked me why I stopped writing. I guess, at the end of the day........it was all about that little bit of attention......... that little bit of curiosity......... that little urge to know how much more attention I could shower on you.

I was never too far away from this blog......... it has been instrumental in me laying bare my heart. It helped me deal with a lot of issues I would have otherwise struggled to deal with. But most importantly, this blog helped me reach out deep into you.

We have been dealing with matters of the heart and mind all along but lately your heart has been shining through to me and that brings me a lot of peace. There has been a massive shift in the way you have started to express yourself to me, in a way you never did earlier. Maybe you loved me earlier too, but always held yourself back because I was this brooding, intensely in love, passionately "everything Tina" guy and you had your own issues to handle.

It would be fair to say that a newer Tina has been emerging with every conversation. The walls have been torn down and you are baring yourself to me like never before and I want more of it, I want it absolutely raw, uncut, uncensored. I just want to see more of the person I am so deeply in love with that ageing alone does not seem daunting as I have your thoughts for company although I know your opinion on this topic.

By the way baby, Happy 2nd Anniversary of our connection. I know I am late by about 3 months but I think it makes more sense now than it would have had I said it back on 14th Nov 2013. In fact , the connection has been on since 1st Jan 2002 when we first acknowledged our feelings for each other but then everything got lost in time.

I told you this evening that I saw a dream today with my eyes open.......

I saw that I am standing in an open kitchen leaning against the counter wearing a white shirt, blue jeans with a lot of light shining through the window. And what am I doing......? Well... I am watching a 12 year old Tina who has just returned from school and is elaborately describing her day to her mother in as animated a fashion as possible. And then I close my eyes and I see that the same Tina is now grown up to the Tina I know now and is still describing her work day with as much zest, but this time her mother and I are part of her dining table discussion.

Oh baby..... I want to be there with you..... I miss you!!!!

The To Do List........

Things that you need to do........

1) Get a cupboard full of Jimmy Choo's stuff
2) Make that London trip......... you work very hard and you deserve this break. (By Summer of 2014)
3) Retire at 40.... no compromise on this (ie....by December 2020 - Only 8 more years of slogging)
4) Go Freelance..... you will do much better
5) Fulfilling Point 4 will get you that Audi...... its better than a Beemer
6) Enrique Concert - Track him....and go for it. Even if it is abroad (Catch a pal for it, maybe combine that London trip)
7) Keep working out..... that is your release.... not Alcohol...Never Alcohol
8) Get that promotion this year (By Summer of 2013)..... this one is in your pocket..but don't you get complacent

Add more stuff to this list......

PS: I love you

Tina..... "I love you".

Those words are an understatement to what I feel from within. My limited knowledge of the English vocabulary can only help me so much. I wish there was a better way to translate feelings ......

I am in touch with you yet I feel so distant and helpless. I want to hear your heartbeat...I want to see that sparkle in your eyes....I want to see that cheerful and bubbly smile....... I want to stay smitten by your forever.

Baby..... when I say those three words are an understatement..... I literally want to pull my hair out..... twist my ears.... knock my head on the wall to come up with something that can come close to describing how I ache for you.

I want to be able to reach out and touch you, feel you at my hearts desire. And the fact that I am not able to do that makes it impossible for me to have a smile on my face. I want to share my day with you..... I want to share my fears and my tears.... my smile and my toil.  I want to share ME ..... with YOU.

Are we meant to stay this way? Am I meant to be with someone else and yet be in love with you? Am I meant to watch in silence when you ache or glow.... not being able to share your sorrow or your joy because of this heartless and numb society that we live in?

The theme night.....and the stairs....

I want to meet you.

I was looking forward to our Dinner date. Wanted to take you to the same place where we went when we first met when I was a newcomer to your town.

I still remember the look in your eyes while we were sharing a smoke outside the joint on that cool summer evening. Something told me you wanted me around longer. Those eyes have swept me off into the ocean of desire since the day I have known you and the look that day has clung on to my heart till date.

If I could paint, trust me Tina....I would paint that image right now.

Those eyes made me feel so special that day. The attention they gave filled me, fueled me and eventually fragmented my thoughts. I wanted to grab you and hide you away from this world.

You don't say much, or maybe I say so much that whatever you say seems less. But then maybe I feel so because I am so greedy for everything that has to do with you.

What have you done to me? I wish I had known that I would be such a wreck because some damsel, not in distress,  would step into my life almost 14 summers ago.

The world has moved on. We have gone from transistor size mobile phones worth a fortune to mini hand held computing devices still worth the same fortune in these 14 years. I have moved on from that set up, everything but you is a faint memory from that time.

At times I feel like I am taking a flight of stairs and you are standing at the top. These are meant to be the 108 steps that we used to take everyday to get to class. But no, when I take these steps to get to you...they seem countless. I am just climbing and climbing and there seems to be no end.

Why is it that way?

And then you say you wanna let go........ 

Taunting Darkness

There is this darkness which takes over my mind..... it becomes an expanse like that of a rural landscape at night. With nothing but darkness all around, the only glimmer is from logs of wood lit at a distance. The light from the flames is good enough to light up the area close to it and act as a guiding glow which gives me direction.

As I come close, I see someone sitting close to the burning logs. I strain my eyes, the impatience in me wanting to know the person who sits there even though I am still quite a distance away. My heart starts to pound. I can feel the blood throbbing, wanting to burst out of my veins, for it can no longer keep up with my anxious heart.

I start walking faster, dry leaves crushing under my feet. I start to smile to myself as I can only think of being with one person. As I come close, I see that its a girl, her long hair fluttering and the fragrance of her body wafting through the gentle breeze all the way to me. The scent fills me up and gives me goosebumps. My walk turns into a jog..... I can no longer contain my anxiety and they are released in the form of tears that roll down my cheeks.

After all, I have been craving for my girl for what seems likes eons.

Now I start to run, and for some reason, a word comes to my lips. My voice cracks and I yell......"Tina, is that you?". I get no reply, only a slight turn of the head away from me. Her mane flutters faster and the flames dim out in the breeze. I hold my breath momentarily as the thought of the flames going out and me losing sight of my guiding light drains the color right out of my face. For some reason, she seems going farther away from me, no matter how much I run towards the light.

I start to stumble and my knees start going weak with anxiety. I can only see Tina's face flashing in front of me, alternating between the glow from the fired up logs. It simply reminded me of the first time I had smoked up, the water cooler at the end of the corridor of my hostel seemed miles away and seemed like it had feet and was walking further away taunting me.

Only this time, I was not stoned. Yet, Tina seemed to be taunting me. The flashes showed her smiling at me.

I was not able to figure out if she loved me or she loved seeing me crave????

I finally break into a sprint, gather every bit of my strength and catch up with the taunting flames, the taunting girl and the taunting glow. I fall on my knees, try and catch my breath looking at the girl all the time. Her mane is fluttering right over her face.

I can't see her, but I can smell only her. The burning wood, the sweat on my body...everything seems odorless.

I finally gather the strength and pull towards the girl with the flowing mane. I reach out and hold her with one hand and use my other hand to move her hair to the side to reveal what I have been wanting to see everyday when I wake up. As I move her hair, her beautiful eyes are revealed and just like a bolt of electricity, It jolts me right down to the soul of my soul. But before I can see anymore, there is this sudden burst of wind and the flames go out and with that Tina vanishes from my grip.

I sit there startled, alone, craving, yearning, sobbing, yelling. Her scent lingers on and the feel of her mane and the sight of her eyes console me and gives me the strength to continue looking for that flickering glow in the vast expanse of darkness that surrounds me.

I know Tina is there.

I know I will find her.

I know I will embrace her.

I know..... I know.... I know

Amor cuerdo, no es amor

Cuban poet Jose` Marti wrote..... prudent love, isn't love.

Its so easy to say, Move on.

People who are immensely passionate about something cannot move on. Because its a passion, It can't be forgotten and buried. You can move on from a broken watch, a bad job or a bitchy girl friend; but not from a Passion.

Passion.... taken from an Ancient Greek word literally means to "suffer".

Well.... I would say the word was rightly attributed to people, among others, who are deeply engrossed in another persons thought that they have absolutely no track of the time gone by and the time going by.

I sometimes wondered??? How can a girl be my passion???? And then I thought, you don't have to have answers to everything in this world. In fact, you WILL NOT have answers to everything in the world. And that this question fell in that category.

We all live our lives, daily mundaneness taking over every bit of our existence. Yet we suffer from within. It may not seem so on the face. After all a person's got to do what he's got to do to earn his bread.

I too share a joke, crack profanities, try to be a good son, listen to trance and slog my rear off at work. But from within, I feel no love for the outside world although I love this gift called life. I love the feeling when my emotions surge at the thought of Tina. Its like all the electrical impulses in my brain come together at the same time. The thought of her makes me feel heady.

People say there is no love, I too stopped believing that there was love until Tina came back on the fringes of my life.

When did she move from the fringes and took center stage???? I do not know.

Now she wants to let go.

It just seemed too simple to say those words to me............. just too simple.

I feel like............. ah ....forget it.

Feel me feel you.....

I want you Tina.....
I wanna hear every word that comes out of you....
I wanna feel every breath you breath.....
I wanna go to sleep smelling you....
I wanna wake up yearning for you....
I wanna spend every idle minute thinking about you....

Your silence pierces my heart....
Your beautiful eyes pierce my soul.....
Your touch sets me ablaze....
Your lips leave me in a state of daze.....
Your skin glows just the way I'd like my day to glow with you around....
But its your mind that takes the cake.....

I WANT YOU SO BAD.....
To fill me up....
To fill the vacant space in my heart....
A space left vacant only for you.....

Oh Tina..... Feel me feel you

My Words....Others Words...My Outlet....

I have been away for a bit..... I know Tina loved these blogs...they made her feel like a Princess. I know that because she told me so........... I know that because a friend of mine not known to her was extremely jealous of her when she got to know of this blog.

Jealous in a happy way..... Jealous that Tina was lucky to have someone so crazy.....so raving mad.....so enchanted.......so enamored......so purely in Love with her.

I'd like to take pride in my love.... pride in the fact that when i see Tina...I simply go blind all around. Its like a tunnel vision...... or like a horse with blinders.

I hadn't had a conversation with Tina for a while.... things had gone quite for a bit..... for whatever reasons!..... but today I just could not stay quite.... the Chatterbox that I am..... I just couldn't.

I had posted an update on my social profile......

"There is a bit of me
 That will always be, with you,
 And something tells me
 This is love due"

needless to say...she was on my mind.....

She knew it!!!

YOU.....

YOU said I write well.... I felt I write imaginatively.... but then I realized...

Its YOU who Inspires me to "write".......
Its YOU who makes me "explore the depths of my mind and heart"......
Its YOU who makes me "love"....
Its YOU who makes me "burn".....
Its YOU who makes my "heart churn".....
Its YOU who makes me "spurn".......

And now that we haven't spoken for days..........!!!!!